Overcoming the Squish

It's Memorial Day weekend 2014. It is also Opening Day at the Deerspring Pools Spray Park. Upon learning this, my five and three year olds skipped around squealing like squeaky toys and then joyfully joined the other less squeaky kids getting sprayed in the face with water and climbed the sopping wet playground. I sat watching in the shade, thinking about the great summer ahead - complete with me in a lounge chair, book in hand, watching them. For about 10 minutes. Until my daughter proclaimed the twisty slide "too scary" and requested an adult accompany her. Specifically, me. I paused. Because frankly, I could see the next hour of my life, complete with wet running clothes (nope, didn't bring a suit) clinging to every lump and bump on my body, and I couldn't help but notice in that moment the far skinnier mom sitting nearby. And I knew what I had to do - because long ago, I promised myself I would never, not even once, not join my kids in fun because I felt fat. To do that, I had to squelch the part of me that wanted to demand my daughter "stop being a baby because it wasn't that big of a slide and her little brother had already gone down it alone, as had that little toddler waddling past and they were still alive" and remind myself that five year olds can be scared sometimes. And then, I had to tell the other voice in my head to shut the hell up. Because I didn't need it reminding me of the muffin top hiding under my running shirt or the ass that I had been meaning to tighten for months. After I dealt with those pesky mental intruders, I whipped off my running shirt to reveal my sports bra and naval imperfections and I slid. And it was fun. And I'm glad I did it, because the only thing that my daughter knows is that we had a great time together. But I won't lie and say that when I got home, I didn't promptly pose for myself in that outfit in every position to see what others must have seen - the rolls, the squishy back, etc. And then, (because what doesn't raise a woman's confidence like trying on bathing suits?) I tried on all the bathing suits in my posession - including one i wore 9 years on my honeymoon, two from 5 years ago when I was pregnant and two from a year ago when I looked better than I ever have in my entire life. And I posed in those. So next time I'm feigning utter self acceptance, I already know what is being revealed to the world. But, I'm not writing a blog about body issues, much to your surprise I'm sure. I'm writing a blog about being confident in moments that scare me because of what they might reveal. I have moments every day of my life when I essentially strip off my clothes and reveal absolute squish - be it belly squish or mental squish. That moment occurs when I'm about to walk into a meeting with an executive with multiple degrees and the potential to determine I have no value on a project. That moment occurs when I am sitting at a table with my wicked smart friends who can all identify notorious people from history simply by the shape of their moustaches. (A big thanks to the geniuses who create said game in order to reveal that I have no idea who any of these leaders are, let alone that they even had a moustache. And, just to be sure I feel extra good about my Ohio schooling, they post this quote about the game -- "Playing the Moustache Game activates the hippocampus, the memory center of the brain. Visual processing centers are also engaged as you view the different styles and connect them to the person." That explains a lot. My hippocampus and visual processing centers are busy remembering if I took the keys out of the car when I went into the store because I can't visually identify them in my bag.) That moment even occurs when I am sure that I'm totally screwing up parenting and am sure someone will take away my kids when they see the limits of my mothering. The point is, we all have moments of squish. I'm curious how you overcome it?